Is everything your mother’s fault?
Well, Sigmund Freud might have nodded enthusiastically, but let’s give our moms a break, shall we? We’ve come a long way in understanding psychology, parenting, and human relationships, and one thing is clear: not all our troubles can be pinned on Mom. After all, there’s usually another parent in the mix, and let’s not forget, life has a way of throwing its own curveballs.
The question might make you chuckle, but it also taps into a deep discussion in psychology: What shapes us as we grow? What moulds our ability to form meaningful relationships, and what drives our experiences of anxiety or joy?
A lot of what we know today comes from something called attachment theory, cooked up in the 1950s by a psychoanalyst named John Bowlby. Bowlby was fascinated by the way babies react when separated from their parents—think crying, clinging, and general baby chaos. He believed these behaviours were nature’s way of making sure the little ones stayed close to their caregivers, boosting their chances of survival. Over time, these instincts evolved into what Bowlby called the "attachment behavioural system"—a fancy way of saying the way we bond and connect with others.
Studies on attachment theory revealed that when babies are placed in unfamiliar situations and temporarily separated from their parents, they generally respond in one of three ways:
Secure attachment: These little ones get upset when separated but are quickly soothed when their parents return—like, "Phew, that was scary, but Mom’s back, so all is well!"
Anxious-resistant attachment: These babies take it hard—big tears, big emotions—and when the parents come back, they’re both relieved and a bit mad, like, “How dare you leave me in the first place?!”
Avoidant attachment: These kids play it cool, showing little distress when separated, and might give their parents the cold shoulder when they return—"Oh, you’re back? Didn’t notice you were gone.”
And then there’s the fourth style, disorganised-disoriented attachment, where the child’s reactions are a bit of a wild card, unpredictable and mixed.
It makes sense that a child’s attachment style is shaped by the care they receive early on. Kids who feel loved and supported are more likely to develop a secure attachment, while those who experience inconsistency or neglect may struggle with anxiety in relationships.
But here’s where it gets even more interesting: attachment theory doesn’t just apply to kids. It follows us into adulthood, especially in our romantic relationships. The way we connected with our caregivers as children often echoes in the way we connect with others as grown-ups.
So, the next time you’re tempted to blame Mom for something, remember it’s a bit more complicated than that. Understanding attachment theory gives us powerful insights into who we are and how we relate to others, and it’s a reminder that while our past shapes us, it doesn’t have to define us.
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